Many times our self esteem can be directly related to our relationship with someone. It doesn’t matter is it’s a marriage or we are dating. We hope a relationship will bring out the best in us but sometimes we find it is the root of our issues.
We always hope to find the person we dream to be the one we will be with forever, but it does not always work out that way. There can be conflict that goes on between the couple and you have to find out what the issue is.
Is this issue something that has originated from some problem between the two of you or did one of you bring a problem from a previous relationship into the new? It can be stressful trying to find the root of the problem but it is necessary if the two of you want to resolve the problem you are having.
Reading self help books can help you understand how to use different techniques to fix your relationship. It may not be easy to fix things, but if the two of you are really in love you should be making an all out effort.
If your relationship has been a strong one, you should have a good partner to help overcome problems you may have brought to your new relationship. They should be willing to endure whatever issue you may have to overcome and with their help you may find that your new relationship will grow stronger.
Try your best not to criticize each other over things, this can only make things worse, be constructive not destructive. Criticism will only make a person feel less of themselves or even less of the person criticizing. Don’t create a power struggle between the two of you; this will create an atmosphere that will never allow you to resolve your issues.
If you have experienced a relationship problem and would like to discover how to get past the heartache or learn how to make up and save your relationship before a break up happens, there are many proven methods that can help.
Put this in your thoughts, decide whether the relationship is worth saving. While almost every relationship can be saved. Both parties must decide that they want to try to make it work. If one of the partners has opted out and doesn’t want to opt back in, there is little hope that it can be done.
Staying in a relationship because it is convenient or remain in a marriage because of the children. Is now the right thing to do. How to save a relationship starts with a commitment by all parties that the relationship is worth saving.
Next, you must pinpoint the problem in the relationship. One of the biggest problems in how to save a relationship is that people believe the symptoms of the problem are the problem itself. Which is not always true.
For instance, many people think an affair is a problem that causes break ups. In truth, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem. For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying spouse. While most people look at the affair as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair was the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship. If you do not deal with the lack of intimacy, you might be able to keep another affair from starting through the use of guilt, but another problem (for instance pornography) could pop up because you haven’t dealt with the core issue.
When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can always save the relationship.
Once you have identified the core problems, you can begin to share your thoughts with your partner. This means both verbalizing your own feelings and listening to your partner’s concerns. Hold your partner’s hand when you are talking about your problems as a signal that you want to reconnect even when your emotions are swirling. When your partner talks about things that hurt you remember that he or she is not doing it because he or she wants to hurt you. Rather it is because they want to improve the relationship.
Once you have detailed the problems in your relationship, start an action plan to solve them. Then, take concrete steps on your action plan. If you don’t spend time together like you used to, plan a date night every week. Take turns coming up with creative ways to spend an evening together one day in the week. If not communicating is the problem, commit to spending 20 minutes before going to bed just talking to one another.
The word -remediation- is very important in the work my colleagues and I do with families affected by autism and other neuro-developmental disabilities, but it is a word that is unfamiliar to many people. I thought I would take a moment this week to talk about what remediation means in general, and specifically in the realm of autism.
Let’s start with some basic dictionary definitions:
Remediate (verb) – To remedy a problem
Remedial (adjective) – Intended to correct or improve one’s skill in a specific field; therapeutic, corrective, restorative
Remediation (noun) – Use of remedial methods to improve skills; the act or process of correcting a deficiency
Dr. Steven Gutstein’s definition of remediation: Correcting a deficit to the point where it no longer constitutes and obstacle
My definition: Work ON something, not just around it
Whether you are a parent or professional, it is critical to understand what remediation is, and the distinction between remediation and compensation. Perhaps the most common application of this distinction is in the area of reading problems. If a child is diagnosed with a reading disability, we typically apply remediation approaches to help them learn to read. At various points we may use compensations, such as books on tape, to support them. However, our goal is to remediate, or correct, the problem that is preventing them from reading so they can become functional readers. In my professional experience, I have yet to come across a situation where adults believe that if an 8 year old child is not yet reading, that we should just compensate for that and give them books on tape to listen to for the rest of their lives. Remedial efforts are taken to get to the root of the problem and overcome the issues that are preventing successful reading.
Now take this same concept and apply it to individuals on the autism spectrum. By definition they are struggling in many areas: socialization, communication, thinking flexibly, and the list goes on depending on the person. What approach do we usually take to these deficits? By and large, we take a compensation approach. We find ways to work around these problems so that the students fit into the mold of what we do at home and in school everyday. Our main motivation becomes applying strategies that help them exhibit what we consider to be -typical- behaviors -sit appropriately in the classroom or at church, learn academic skills, play on the playground equipment, wait in line without becoming upset, greet others when we see them, etc. While we may also look for ways to support their communication and to improve their relationships with others, we do this on a very surface level without really understanding the obstacles that create those problems in the first place. And, because we don’t really understand the root issues that create these problems, we resort to compensation techniques rather than remediating the root causes.
When you look at the history of treatments in the field of autism, it has been primarily about compensation. While research on the brain and autism has continued to move forward and provide us new information, our treatment approaches have stagnated. The methods we were using 30 years ago are still the methods being used today, despite the fact that we have a whole host of new information available to us. We now have the capacity to take what we know about the disorder of autism and how it impacts brain function, and develop new techniques and approaches that move beyond compensation and actually work to remediate (correct) the primary features of the disorder. This is one of the exciting things about newer approaches such as the Relationship Development Intervention (RDI) Program, which focuses on remediating, rather than just working around, the core deficits we see in individuals with autism and other neuro-developmental disorders.
It is time to move beyond thinking about treatment as merely capitalizing on strengths, and begin thinking about how to strengthen areas of weakness. Research has shown us that autism is primarily a disorder of connectivity in the brain-with some portions over connected and others under connected. What is so exciting about this is that we know that neural connectivity can change throughout the lifespan. The human brain has an enormous capacity for developing new connections and changing the patterns of connectivity when given the right types of stimulation. This is what allows us to look at autism treatment in a new light. It cannot be merely about strengthening the areas that are already strong. Effective education and treatment must be focused on building new connections in the areas where connectivity is deficient. This is the essence of remediation.
About the Author: Autism specialist Nicole Beurkens, founder and director of the Horizons Developmental Remediation Center, provides practical information and advice for families living with autism and other developmental disabilities. If you are ready to reduce your stress level, enrich your child’s development, and improve your family’s quality of life, get your FREE reports now at ==> www.HorizonsDRC.com