Category: Relationship
For many years, the concept of being flogged, humiliated, and whipped has long been associated with punishment and suffering. To be demeaned in this manner was unacceptable for most people, creating a social stigma that stands to this day. The stigma is so strong that people who want to go through that sort of treatment willingly were seen as having had their mental health compromised. In some circles, it can also be considered a sign of poor sexual health. However, according to more recent findings, neither mental nor sexual health are compromised by a desire to be bound and dominated. The Sadism and Masochism (S&M) community are not a group of deviants with poor mental health, but simply one that has tastes that vary from the norm.
In some ways, it allows people to be able to better connect to a side of themselves that has been suppressed. For example, one woman who enjoyed choking her partner during orgasm had a childhood of suppressing emotions and feelings. She had grown up psychologically suppressing things like sexual desire and her own need for a meaningful relationship. While she had outgrown most of it by adulthood, she remained partially detached from the act of intercourse, leaving her to regard the activity as bland and unexciting. It was only when she discovered the psychological “high” she got from choking her partner that she started to enjoy sex. Her psychologist believes that the act of choking someone has helped her bridge the mental gap between her desires and her personality, allowing her to temporarily let go of her inhibitions.
Some psychologists have also come to believe that S&M may also be connected to stress relief and escapism. In general, members of the S&M community engage in role-playing during sessions, with a person who usually appears as a timid librarian being a foul-mouthed, whip-toting dominatrix in her basement. This role-playing temporarily grants them a reprieve from the nature of their lives, giving them a much needed escape from the stress and anxiety of the modern world. The nature of the activity makes it such that the people involved focus only on each other and the raw physical sensations of the acts, allowing them a short amount of time to get away from whatever it is they feel a need to get away from. While this may not explain the reasons for the entire S&M community, it may explain some of the motivations behind this behavior.
It should be noted that the S&M community is a separate group from people who have sexual sadism. The core difference is that S&M practitioners are perfectly sane individuals who simply enjoy playing roles that they would not be expected to in their everyday lives. Activities for them are consensual and there is a complex web of unspoken rituals and unwritten rules that prevent either participant from inflicting permanent or serious harm upon one another. In contrast, sexual sadism is often non-consensual and, by the very nature of the activities, is designed to inflict as much harm as possible for as long as possible. There are some circles that believe sexual sadists are the reason why the S&M community normally shuns the terms sadist and masochist, preferring to avoid the negative psychological connotation.
One benefit that accepting S&M as a part of someone’s private life has had is an enhancement of one’s sex life. People who have come to accept it and have found partners who welcome it have reported that their sex lives have improved, as well as their emotional connection to one another. They report that there is a deeper sense of connection and understanding, likely due to the openness needed for both partners to accept such “unusual” tastes.
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Incomplete psychological separation between mother and child, and the symptoms that can emerge from this relative state of undifferentiation, is increasingly appearing in the patients and families I treat as a common element in their histories and present lives. Co-sleeping, extended breast feeding, dependence on the mother for toileting, and marked separation anxiety are not uncommon features in this type of dyad, and often we also see some combination of impulsivity, aggression, low capacity for frustration and empathy, learning problems in school and socially, and so on, which can be organized under the general category of impoverished capacity to independently regulate affects, or feelings. Sometimes, these dyads must be treated therapeutically as a couple in parent-child psychotherapy if separation is not possible or is too traumatic for the child or the mother, a treatment which can evolve into individual therapy for the child, and perhaps also for the mother.
Almost inevitably, enmeshed mother-child dyads have a history of early trauma in either the childs and/or the mothers history. Often I have found that both mother and child experienced trauma (abuse of the mother or the child by a third party, birth trauma, adoption (traumatic loss or separation) medical illness, colic, hospitalization, post-partum depression, etc) in the childs early months and years, and occasionally this experience was a repetition of something the mother experienced in her early years with her own mother (enmeshed mother-child dyads are often passed down generationally and also culturally, i.e. these dyads may be more common in cultures where family enmeshment is the normal expectation. Enmeshment may not necessarily be the result of trauma but perhaps can also be a much sought after cultural value).
In response to this traumatic experience in the childs infancy, the mother and child cling to each other for safety they both feel much better when the other is nearby. Mutual holding physically and psychologically is normal and expected in the early months of an infants life, but due to the trauma, both mother and child experience great difficulty in separating and living more independently when the time arrives when this should normally begin to happen. Co-sleeping (and sometimes prolonged breast feeding) is usually the first sign of this occurrence, which may be followed by intense separation anxiety, clinginess, moodiness or general regressiveness, and struggles with independent toileting, eating, and so on. The most common story is that the child was irritable and intolerable of separation from the start, refused to be put down in the crib, and co-sleeping was easier and soothed the baby at once. Post-partum depression in the mother is sometimes a feature of these cases, and often the child appears to indeed have been born with a temperament that is either difficult to parent or may elicit the mothers need to remain overly close to the child.
These children usually do not get referred for psychotherapy until they begin to attend school, where impulsivity, poor frustration tolerance and capacity for empathy, aggression and separation anxiety can create serious problems for these children in learning and socializing with other children and adults. Incomplete psychological and physical separation couples with aggression and impulsivity so consistently in my experience that I have begun to more seriously contemplate the nature of this relationship
and how one thing leads to the other.
To begin, we can say that, although a feeling of safety in the infant can emerge from being very attached to its mother, when this attachment extends beyond the age when the infant or toddler might normally begin to show signs of differentiating (i.e. by sleeping alone, exploring the environment, separating upon playing with peers or going to daycare/school) the feeling of safety can turn into intense fear and dread in the absence of soothing, protective and regulating mother. We can say that because the child depends so much on the mother to help it with its feelings, that it fails to learn how to manage its own feelings in her absence, and this can only occur in her occasional absence. If the mother is never absent, but always there, the child struggles to become a self that can self-regulate feelings the child remains a self-mother and may find it challenging to fully experience the mother and the self as an autonomous person. The child shares psychological functions with the mother, such as the capacity to internally soothe itself in the face of environmental stress and maintain self control and self-cohesion (keeping it together), but outside of the presence of the mother the child functions at a much lower level, since none of the important psychological qualities it needs are his or hers alone. Mother and child may function very well as one, but not as two.
In summary, affect regulation becomes seriously compromised in the context of an enmeshed mother-child relationship, due to the sharing of vital psychological functions which are not the childs alone. This child never learned how to manage discomfort, frustration, waiting, loneliness, and so on, because the mother was always there to regulate these feelings at once. Impulsive and aggressive acting-out (in particular at school with teachers and peers) is one method children may use to express feelings of discomfort and frustration they could never truly feel or manage independently.
The second point we can make is that empathy derives at the start from the capacity to view the other person as separate from oneself. When a child experiences the mother as part of himself or herself as an extension or auxiliary self the child cannot gain an adequate appreciation of how his or her actions might impact the other, since the other does not technically exist the other is equivalent to him or her.
Empathy derives from first knowing that the other is separate and can empathize with you as a separate self this leads to thinking about and sensing what the other may feel, which leads to guilt, conscience, and so on. Not adequately understanding the mental states of others (nor the self) means you can act on the other without knowing or caring about how that feels. In my experience, this tends to stem from the child not having had someone think about how he or she felt, which could not happen since the mother and child were fused they were one. The mothers experience is the childs and vice versa. This does not mean that the mother is not loving, caring, protective, and so on. It means that the child cannot see her behaviour as hers and her thinking about him as true empathy as long as they are undifferentiated.
There is no empathy as long as there is one thing empathy is born when the concept of twoness is introduced to the infant, and twoness is introduced from the beginning of life when the infant experiences a feeling, need or frustration in the absence of the mother. The missing mother reminds the child that mother is separate and has her own needs, which forces him to empathize with her to recognize her own subjectivity – and to find a way to contain his or her own feelings and frustrations until the mother returns. That the baby’s sense of mother’s goneness is relatively consistent and not too long (i.e. the mother returns in an expected and timely way) is important in ensuring that the baby is not too traumatized and can learn to contain himself (this should be confused with Dr. Ferber’s method of permitting children to “cry it out” in isolation). Undifferentiated dyads may create children with little empathy who struggle to appreciate their own and others feeling states. These children may appear as cruel, ruthless, and generally naive and apparently careless about others feelings and ones impact on them. They may become aggressive and seem not to care and even laugh at the person they hit.
When you combine the failure to empathize, with the deficits in self-regulation mentioned previously, you may see the aggressive impulsivity that is currently so common in the field of childrens mental health, particularly when the child in introduced to school, since school makes demands on children in terms of being able to function independently, tolerate frustration, and so on, which these children struggle with in particular. Naturally there are impulsive and aggressive children who do not share an enmeshed relationship with the mother, but repeatedly when working with less differentiated dyads I have witnessed these similar histories and symptoms, which gave rise to the present contemplation.
No matter how good you are. The longer you are in a relationship, the less interesting it becomes. The relationship becomes duller the more you continue. It gets boring. But there is one thing that can still keep the relationship going fine; it is your ability as a guy to get your girlfriend in the mood every time you are together. This is your ability to make your girlfriend ask for more in bed.
This is a very important aspect of a relationship so as not to look as if you are tired of yourself. There are ways to spark a roaring fire and get your girlfriend wet and horny for you. This will definitely send boredom out of your relationship and get both of you aroused any time you are together. Just try the following tips and see your girlfriend in mood always within some seconds.
(1)Talk dirty a little
At times, what your girlfriend needs is your ability to balance gentleness with other loud habits. For instance, your girlfriend might be the kind that doesn’t want to hear dirty words. But the truth is that most girls pretend as if they are not interested in some words, your ability to balance these with other habits matters in a relationship is important. Such words are good to turn her mood on for the day. Words like “If you can imagine what I will do to you tonight” said at innocent time will get her in mood fast. Couple it with suggestive looks and glances at forbidden zones to punctuate the message. Do this at random throughout the day to get her imagination spinning.
(2)Catch her unaware
Your ability to surprise your girlfriend at anytime is an important aspect of the relationship. Doing some crazy things sometimes is good. Things like carrying her in public without her pre information are nice. This will turn her on as fast as you could think. She will be delighted at the attention and your action will easily spark up the old romance. This is one tip that matters in turning your partner on anytime.
(3)Make her jealous
As well, try to create jealousy in her by not being around every time. Sometimes you may need to turn down some of her invitations, this may be hard but you have to do it. It will help you to be valued anytime you are around her. Limit your time with her. If you are finding it hard to do this, you can pick up some hobbies that can be taking some of your time or you can get involved in some sporting activities. This will enable her to value any time you two have together and she will be turned on easily at anytime you try to put her in the mood.
(4)Touch her always
One thing you must be conversant with is your ability to be touching your girlfriend any time you are together. Ladies love to be touched every time especially when it is from a man they love. It gives them a sense of care and love. Show your girlfriend you’re not like other men. Show her you’re sensitive and caring by touching her frequently. Allow her to rest her head on you any time you are sitting close to each other, make her lie on your lap and fond her ear lobe or her cheek. This go a long way in communicating your caring ability to her and it is a good point to start romance.
Getting your girlfriend turned on any time is as easy as this. All you need to do is to be sensitive and be alert. Make use of all the tips mentioned above and you will forever enjoy your relationship.
How to get your ex girlfriend back has a lot to do with what you say to your ex girlfriend and do following a break up. In order to get your ex girlfriend back, you need to start doing the right things, You need to start saying the right things to her because she is your ex. It can be an easy thing for a woman to stay in control if she breaks up with you in a relationship. Staying in control means everything is in her terms while you are desperately wishing that she could get back with you. The following are some of the tips on how to get your ex girlfriend back.
She Just Wants To Be Friends -This is a common scenario. She break up with you and she suggests that she’d like to be friends. This is like biting your finger intentionally and then blowing some air on it to calm the pain. So what do you exactly do when she suggests that you should be friends with her following a break up?
Most guys get surprises when their ex girlfriend tells them that they love them BUT they are not in love anymore! They explain that they did not see it coming and that she still wants to be friends! What you may fail to realize here is that if you accept to be her friend, You are most likely going to get hurt even more. This is because she is definitely your ex and she is not going to show you affection anymore. The reason why most guys agree to be friends is because they are hoping that along the way she will change her mind and decide to get back together.
The Solution -Well I am not suggesting that you should never be friends with her. I do belief that if anything, the kind of friendship and relation you will have towards your ex girlfriend will determine if you stand a chance of getting her back or not. The best thing to do when she suggests to be friends is to let her go. Give your ex girlfriend her wish and let it be ok with you that you are broken up but on the other hand, Don’t say you don’t want to be her friend. Create curiosity here and while you are not dating right now, You will need to show her that you are not her best friend to hang out with, talk to all the time or even hang around with like she may want.
So give her what she wants and let her go. If you accept to be friends with her she will know that she has you and she can have you when she needs you and when she is ready. She won’t have a reason to get back with you because she already has you and she doesn’t miss you. In other words, she has “no incentive” to get back together with you Right Now. You are on her terms and she is in control if you accept to be her friend as a way to try to get her back. So remember that how to get your ex girlfriend back means not giving her an entry to stay in control or in other words, To have everything under her terms.
Trigger Her Emotional Hot Buttons -Your ex girlfriend needs to have a reason or reasons to get back with you. So putting yourself in a position of wanting her back so bad will do more harm than good. So you need to surprise her by using this emotional trigger, Do the opposite by making her to want you because she cant have. To be successful in this, You will need to trigger her emotional hot buttons. Your confidence of showing her that you are over with the break up and that you have moved on can ignite her emotions and make her feel that she really cant have you anytime she wants.
In stead of clinging and appearing that you really really miss and want her back, surprise her by doing the opposite. With confidence and no doubt, Tell her something like “I can see you need some space, So I am going to give it to you..or..You know what, you are right. We do need some time apart and I agree with you” . Remember that confidence is the key when you are telling her this words.
So if you have been telling her that you want her back or doing things that directly imply that you desperately, Is time to let her go before she lets you go for good. Never underestimate the power of confidence in relationships. Women get attracted by confident men and this works very well when she is your ex.
Now focus on working on yourself while you are apart by doing things which can make you feel good and confident. Working out, taking a class, hanging out with your buddies, playing a sport that you like, picking up that skill or hobby you’ve always been interested in can make you feel better about yourself inside and out.
Break Up Reasons -One last thing about how to get your ex girlfriend back is to find the reasons behind the break up. While you have given her wishes of both of you staying apart, It is time to find out what went wrong and the exact same reasons that destroyed your relationship. Every break up has a reason and trust me, reversing a break up can mean fixing a habit that you have that your ex used to complain about. So on top of you giving her a reason to get back with you by making her miss you, Take an extra person and make yourself a better person in those areas that ended the relationship.
How to get your ex girlfriend back has a lot to do with you giving her reasons why she should get back with you. Following the advice above, You are supposed to give her reasons by your actions. Remember, you need to motivate your ex girlfriend to do something. She needs incentive to want you back, She needs to feel that she wants you back and if you cant make her feel that way, The chances of getting back together may get slim.
Dating a mama’s boy is not a laughing matter and many women love their husbands enough not to leave them. They want to help their men to recover and push on with life. In some cases some guys are the ones with a problem. Their moms have no issues and behave just like any other mother. The cause for such behavior in most instances is when a mother creates unhealthy dependency between the son and her when the child is growing up. The problem sets in when after adulthood the guy still remains hooked up to the mum. The mum lets all the strong attachments loose while the son feels he cannot face the world alone. He has got to have his mother on his side all the time. If you are a woman dating a mama’s boy you have to get psychological help because he is emotionally so dependent on the mother because he will never let his mother go or worse still he might try to turn you into his mother.
In another case, the mum might be the one who is not ready to cut the cord. As the woman in his son’s life you always suffer the consequences. The mother feels like you are competing for his son’s love. When you notice this as a woman dating a mama’s boy, you should not start being hard on him, you are a woman remember. You can use sweet words to get what you want. Gently coax your husband or boyfriend to be kind but set respectful boundaries with his mother. Let it not appear like you are trying to separate him from his mother. He has to be willing to pass the message. If you are used to visiting her every Sunday, you can suggest that you reduce that to once a month.
As a woman dating a mama’s boy you usually think of confronting his mother but is it a wise decision? It is not advisable at all because this is likely to cause a wedge in your relationship. This will force the guy to feel like he is being forced to choose between you and the mother. You are the stranger in the mix and so you can guess who will be thrown out. However if you are in a secure old relationship, you can decide its time for a little chat. Invite her for lunch and air out your concerns and remember to remain casual. “I sometimes feel like you do not let your son to be who he wants to be”. This is an example of an opening line you can use in your chat. Continue to explain that you want to be included in their relationship because you are a part of it.
It is possible to rehabilitate mama’s boy. A woman dating a mama’s boy who have got help has confessed to having a renewed uncontrolled relationship. This happens when the man in the unhealthy relationship acknowledges that he needs help. If your guy is young, you can encourage him to take baby steps. As he grows old he will need less energy and time to reconstruct his relationship with his mum. As a woman who is rehabilitating a mama’s boy, do it with a lot of empathy and a great sense of humor.